I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
