my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
