If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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