Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She said her name was "party"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
