After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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