Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
