I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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