I'm so fucking centered right now
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
