.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
