Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
