Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
