You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
