I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
