People in love make me want to vomit
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
