I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
