margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
