I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
