I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
