seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
