It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
