I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
