Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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