WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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