I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
