Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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