I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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