I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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