My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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