im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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