She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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