I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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