I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
