the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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