he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
