onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
