i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
