I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I don't deserve a penis
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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