I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
