I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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