My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It's blow job season.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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