Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
