I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
