i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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