In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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