smell my finger.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
