I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
