I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
