things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
