Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
