blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I have grass duct taped all over my body
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
