hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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